saying that she’s seen my first semester results and we need to talk.
YES I KNOW I FAILED THE ENTIRE SEMESTER. THIS IS HARDLY SURPRISING GIVEN THAT I DIDN’T GIVE IN ANY WORK AND DIDN’T ATTEND HALF THE EXAMS.
explaining mental illness and its effects on work is not fun. I did hint that I was going to have to retake, but maybe she didn’t realise I meant the whole semester. I will have to explain that when you are throwing up everything you eat, and then going for days not eating anything and your doctor tells you that she doesn’t think you’re able to function and that you will fail the year because you can’t possibly continue like this, the doctor is right.
And then I will say that I will retake my failed modules in the summer, and then she is going to say “well how do I know you can manage to retake during the summer when last year you didn’t manage to do any of it?”
And then I will have to point out that when I was meant to be resitting during the summer I had ripped up all my letters and assessment work, and tried to hang myself with a pair of my tights. SO I was clearly not really dealing with anything very well. And then she will say does my doctor know about the suicidalness and I will have to say “no she doesn’t know about that particular time” and then my tutor will want to know what she does know about and then I will have to explain how at one point last year all I wanted to do, quite literally, was dig a grave, lie in it and bury myself alive and then everything would stop, and how I wrote the note and everything, and how the doctor does know about that but I said that I didn’t feel like that any more and wouldn’t do it again and I didn’t until the incident with the tights, and then since then there was the incident with the painkillers. maybe she will ask about if I’ve had other thoughts of harming myself and maybe I will mention the cutting myself with razor blades.
Maybe she will think I’m attention seeking. Although to seek attention you kind of have to actually let people know what is going on.
But can I point out, I don’t do any of this any more. I can’t let myself and I don’t want to.
